The Phone Call I Didn’t Get For My Birthday…

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• I am so sad to read of all of the suffering people who are not cared for by family — who are supposed to care for us. I too have the same issue. You may find it is true for some friends too.

  In case it helps — a few things I have learned:
  * narcissism (selfishness, lack of empathy) is the likely cause of this
  * it runs in families
  * there is usually a scapegoat — and this os usually the most capable, caring family member. So hats off to you!
  * this dynamic can lead to relationship trauma and a need for being seen and appreciated that carries well into adulthood.
  * the scapegoat is usually the over functioner of the family — they become the “parent” of sorts — relied on to solve problems, etc. it’s almost like they don’t see you as a child and therefore your needs are not even considered. They just think you are so strong you don’t need support.
  * over performers / codependents have difficulty stating their needs because it is like they shouldn’t even have them.
  * codependents usually choose narcissists for friends and partners. It feels familiar to them. Warning sign — when you feel that electricity or sexual click. That is the hook. Resist it!
  * codependents usually have their own narcissism, but the way to distinguish is whether you feel empathy for, and lean in to repair things with people who say you hurt them. If you do not, chances are you are a narcissist / codependent!
  * codependents eventually get angry at the lack of care they receive compared to the boatloads they have given and are promptly shamed / rejected for their anger. The unwritten / unspoken rule in these families is that you should never point the finger or get angry at anyone for their hurtful behavior (secrets, lies, lack of accountability, golden child). You’ve then offended their ego to the point they will shun you (hence no cards or calls) or even just dump you entirely.
  * in my family the two fathers were relatively weak compared to the strong capable women in the family, though the women were emotionally / financially dependent and had a touch of narcissism themselves. They both depended on and were dismissive of or resented the strength.
  * in my case as the oldest, overfunctioning daughter, the fathers actually see me as a competitor, though I never criticized them or bragged on success. They can’t even stand to acknowledge that I graduated from college, with a Master’s degree. Parents are suppose to find joy in their childrens’ success, right? Not if they are ashamed of themselves. You just being there makes them feel shame in comparison. Sad, isn’t it? :-(. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT though somehow you have learned to accept the shame that it is your fault for not fitting in.

  You must know that the root cause of the narcissistic defense (cutting off all feeling of negative emotion, including one’s own and others’) is shame. Toxic shame. We all have occasion to be ashamed based on this or that behavior, but we face up and repair the situation.

  Toxic shame is just deep deep shame about themselves as a human being. This comes from some type of abuse, whether verbal, physical, emotional enmeshment, over praising (and therefore not seeing the child as they really are). All of this happens by narcissistic parents. And the cycle is repeated.

  The way to healing?
  * Check your moves and attempt to make any repairs/apologies necessary. To everyone in your life for hurts now and in the past (similar to 12-step).
  * know your emotional needs and grieve your hurts and losses. This can take years, I’d not decades. Keep up the work! You are casting off intergenerational trauma and creating a kinder world!
  * learn how to communicate your needs kindly and skillfully, gracious boundaries that hurt no one but protect you. This takes a lot of healing first, and then practice. Highly recommend the book Nonviolent Communication for this. Some of them will not be available.
  * learn what your values around relationship are and your life intentions too.
  * THIS IS ESSENTIAL — don’t stop searching until you find your new tribe who shares your values, intentions in life, and emotional caring and kindness. This can be the hardest thing to do.
  * meanwhile heal yourself by grieving what you never had that you deserve.
  * find peace and purpose by doing good and feeling good as many moments you can.
  * you will learn to recognize people using narc defenses very quickly and develop strategies for keeping light friendships but not investing in them in any serious way, including not being as open and transparent as you once were.
  * HINT: Ns tend to ask a lot of questions about you but rarely share their honest emotions. When you ask they get dismissive or clam up or find a way to leave the conversation very quickly. They are uncomfortable with revealing their vulnerability (anger and haughtiness yes, but not sadness or any “weak” negative emotion).
  They often lie or keep small secrets.
  * Then when they don’t deliver it doesn’t hurt you because you haven’t given too much.

  Find people who WANT TO and who NATURALLY give you what you need.

  This is what healthy love / family / partnership feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, better off becoming who you want to meet. Work on yourself!

  I know this was long but I hope it helps someone. Been there, still there but out of the darkness, and moving ahead!

  Xoxo

• Every year for as long as Ive been alive my mom called at the "exact time" (without fail) that I was born even if she had to do it by voicemail because I missed the call. She would sing Happy Birthday, tell me the story of my birth and talk about my plans for the day. Also, she always sends a card and writes a personlized message although some years its been late but she hates late cards. This has happened despite the fact that I'm now middle aged and we have lived far apart with me in another state for most of that time. Last year, she was angry with me so I did not receive a call at my birth time. The call was 2 hrs later and her and stepdad sang but she sang with a much lower voice and her tone was angry-it was obvious that she didnt want to do it. So, I confronted her and asked why she didnt call at the usual time and she said because she was at the post office mailing my gift box. I said okay but I didn't get a card either. Asked why-she said- you just didnt and I'm not even supposed to be up sending your gift box cause I'm recovering from a procedure. So we had an uncomfortable chat for awhile and ended call. Come to find out she actually had major surgery and NEVER told me!!
  Well today is my birthday (2021) and because I didnt make it home to visit last year for holidays and won't again this year ( after pretty much promising I would) she is angry again so didnt call today at all. She sent a text 2 mins after my birth time wishing me a Happy Bday after telling me months ago she hated texted cause their impersonal. She also sent a very generic bland card with nothing written on the inside. Normally she would run out of room writing. Then she dropped a small amount of cash in a blank envelope with nothing written on it. Which I will return to her at Christmas. After waiting all day, I think my stepdad was over come with guilt and begged her to let him call. He called at 5pm and sang to me and wished me Happy Bday. So I started asking him why didn't they call earlier. His response-we went to church. Their church starts hours after my birth time and in the past, they would just call before they went to church. Every question I asked about why I had not heard from them, mainly the woman who gave birth to me, he had excuse after excuse and it was obvious he felt horrible because she had no good reason. Then she told him to tell me-she would "talk to me" after my birthday making it about her instead of me. Then right when I told him I had to go, she said-she wanted to speak to me. I told him no and that I had to go. Her doing that was so that I could not tell anyone she didn't call. Well she didnt-he did. She was trying to save face to be able to say-I called and you were not available. I told him that I had waited all day and that they normally call in the morning so I had evening plans. I ended the call angry and heartbroken that she would not put her anger aside for 1 day. The worst part of this is I've never ever had a birthday party either. I saw others on here with that experience too and thought I was the only one. What a horrible way to treat your child even adult child. It was selfish, reprehensible and inexcusable to say the very least. I was angry when she had surgery and didnt tell me and her birthday was a few months after that. Got her nice Mothers Day and birthday gifts & cards. I don't care about gifts. I know she doesn't have the means. But its the no call and terrible card that I'll never forget. She didn't want to have to put her pride aside and actually speak to me or sing or wish me a Happy Birthday so she chose to hide behind a text. The worse part is that in 2 weeks for Christmas she expects a gift and me to act like nothing happened and she did nothing wrong. Seriously?????

• My mother just texted me to this morning to wish me a happy Birthday. I guess that's supposed to be enough effort.
  Talk about feeling perplexed. I'm really not sure what to think right now and I was hoping she would have called but my Birthday never truly mattered to her. If anything my Birthday every year was just another day and my parents both of them never cared. I doubt I will even get a call or text from my dad for my Birthday.

  • Yesterday was my birthday. The person who has the nerve to call himself my father has only reached out on my birthday for years. Usually with a text that goes 'Happy birthday! [insert lots of accusations and guilt tripping]'. Two years ago the only text I got from him was 'hb'. Just that, two letters, not even an exclamation mark. The only contact I had with him all year, yet he proceeds to call himself my father. So last year I didn't even reply. And this year, as expected, I got nothing. I didn't expect anything, as per usual, but it still stings and it still saddens me. Apparently I'm that easy to give up. Parents are the people who are supposed to be the proudest of you, the ones who are supposed to have your back and tell you all will be okay, no matter what. It sucks that we were given those who make their children feel worthless instead.

• I know how you feel. When I turned 37 I had no plans that day. My kids were in school and I was off work for a time. It was my birthday and I drove over to see my mom. (The person I love).
  She welcomed me inside, no mention of my birthday. She had been widowed for 11 years and tho she had never driven in her life, she had a bike and the stores were within walking distance. Her older brother lived in the apartments next to hers. She took me over to see him. He was grouchy and in ill health. Mom told me to "help" him with something. I should have declined. He yelled at me and I began to cry. I went back with mom to her apartment. I should have left right then but her phone rang. It was my sister calling mom and looking for me! When she told mom she wanted to wish me a happy birthday, Mom exclaimed, "OH, ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!" And she handed me the phone. I talked to my sister and then eventually said goodbye. My mom never said "sorry" for forgetting my birthday. I never received a card either. If I hadn't gone over there that day, I don't think she would've thought of my birthday that rest of the year!
  She never forgot it's again!

• my mom didn't call me or my daughter on our birthdays this year. first time ever that she's missed a birthday call. but anytime i hadn't called my mom on her birthday my dad would text me angry about it even if the day wasn't even over yet. she always made big deals about birthdays too so it is very odd behaviour for her. i actually find it very hurtful. i'm uncertain if i will call her on her birthday next month just to see what happens. do i stoop to her level? we don't really get along, it's more of a civilized pretending to be close relationship. she was not nice growing up and honestly hasn't been all that nice in my adult years either. i think she's narcisstic.

• How about when your family (including aunts, uncles, and cousins) calls, texts, sends flowers, and takes your sister out on her birthday but is radio silent for yours? The kicker? Your sister is your twin. At least you had someone acknowledge yours. Better late than never.🤷🏻‍♀️

• My NM mother "honors" my birthdays year after year to remind me that my birth was the start of her horrible life in the USA. She was an only child who made her parents' lives a living hell and dumped me on them when I was an infant (thank God) until I was about six years old. She tore me away from them to bring me to another country for the sole reason that she didn't want to share the inheritance with me if they adopted me. I tried and tried but when she made my sweet daughter's life miserable every time she visited and even after my daughter's death, I decided that hag should die alone with her problems. She had the nerve to call me on the anniversary of my child's death to talk about her petty life and then say I was a "burden on family" for saying I was sad that day. I have grown to despise that old bat.

• My mom didn’t call me either 11/4 for mine. Did a fb post. When I confronted her a few days later saying I was surprised she said she thought she’d hear from me. Guess I was supposed to call her on my Bday. Even tho that rule doesn’t apply when it’s her bday.. she doesn’t call me on hers ( I wouldn’t expect her to). I have a twin.. my mom actually sent me a screenshot of my twin calling her on our bday and said “she called me”. My mom called 4 days after my bday, and left a messages saying sorry she thought she’d hear from me.4 days after my bday. A day after I texted her . So I didn’t think her call needed a reply, can’t keep hashing it out. I reached out to her yesterday on another topic and she was extremely cold! So.. because I’m hurt she didn’t call on my birthday I’m now the “bad guy” viscous cycle

  • So sorry Cory! Best thing we can do is learn to love ourselves which is hard when we come from toxic parents. Happy Birthday from on Scorpio to another!

• Yes me too! My birthday was last week. My Mom posted a cheesy post on facebook with a comment "happy birthday to my daughter". She gave a card to my nephew to deliver. NO PHONE CALL. How cold but after many years I'm starting to see her as she truly is. I just joined a support group. My Mom's love well is dried up and always has been do to alcoholism. My solution- find healthier love elsewhere. I promise you it's out there. Here's a big virtual hug to you all who don't get it from your Mother!

• I totally understand, my husband never buys me anything for my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, mother's day.... NOTHING! All I get is a text.

  I have four adult children, which they never even text me on my birthday (and my youngest son is the same day as mine) they never say Happy Mother's Day, nothing....

  But on Christmas & their birthdays they expect gifts, etc.....

  Just recently I bought my son a card and gift card for his birthday, not even a thank you.

  It's really depressing..... So now I just buy myself gifts on the days that are meant to be special to me.