A Mutually Healthy Divorce Is Not A Myth

These days, divorce is a commonplace part of marriage and relationships. Whether this is a positive or negative remains to be seen, but the numbers are there. According to data from the American Psychological Association, 90 percent of people in Western cultures marry by age 50. This is matched approximately by 40 to 50 percent marriages in the United States that end in divorce.

Many people have the image of the long, hurtful divorce lodged in their mind, but this is not inevitable. In fact, many divorces end with both sides getting the essentials they need, with minimal arguments and harm. To do this, though, you need to bring a healthy mindset and planning in. The emotions you enter a divorce in will ultimately determine the result.

Keeping Healthy Through Education

This may sound a bit strange, but the more you learn about divorce, the better you may feel. Think about it. Isn’t it common for many people to research a medical procedure before they get it to feel more comfortable? The same applies for divorce. Divorce is surrounded by myths, and even beyond the myths, divorce is different by region and situation.

Depending on where you live, some of the basic things you believe about divorce may not be true. For example, according to Family law attorney Mike Miller, “Colorado no longer uses the term “custody” to define and determine how parents allocate parental responsibility and time with the minor child or children. Colorado now uses the terms parenting time and decision making. The decisions that are allocated concern health care, medical providers, education, religion and general welfare for the child.”

This is only the tip of the iceberg. Divorce myths are propagated both by pop culture and people around us who are often just trying to help. For one, don’t think that you should wait to get the divorce out of the way before planning your financial future. In fact, including this in divorce proceedings can grant you better peace of mind. In addition, don’t be in a rush to try and get the house, as it may end up causing financial hardship after the divorce.

With this said, perhaps the most important thing you can do is pick the right attorney. Different attorneys specialize in different cases, so you want one that is not only a match for your family and financial situation, but also for your goals. For example, it is possible to agree to never go to court, avoiding a bitter divorce or protracted legal fees. In this case, a lawyer’s role is to look out for the best interests of each partner rather than argue for something else. Another option is divorce mediation. In divorce mediation a third party is hired to work out agreements on all the important issues of a divorce in a way that is fair to each side. However, this only works out if both parties come in good faith, with leads us to the second part of the discussion.

Keeping A Healthy Mindset

Bitter divorces are part legal, but also part mental. One of the worst mindsets you can have coming into divorce is that this is your chance to “hurt” or “beat” a partner. Regardless of how a relationship came to an end, this doesn’t serve you or your partner to act in this way. This is even more of the case when children are involved. Marital conflict and messy divorces have both been shown to have negative impacts on children. Part of the reason you may have chosen to divorce is to end your children being exposed to an unhealthy relationship. So why expose them to an unhealthy divorce?

One of your best assets during the process, especially if you have children, is a mental health professional. Family and friends are important to lean on as well, especially to help you stay social during this rough time, but a mental health professional is something special. Not only do they provide a no-judgement zone for some of the feelings you are having, but can also provide you with strategies to keep a healthy mindset. Sometimes, just venting to your therapist can let off enough steam to avoid doing it during divorce proceedings. Depending on the divorce, it may pay to have your children see a therapist as well.

Another thing to accept when it comes to divorce is that you aren’t going to get everything exactly the way you wanted. Making concessions is part of any negotiation, and if you want to avoid the stress and price that a lengthy court case offers, be sure to prioritize what you want and what you can stand to let go. The faster things get resolved, the faster both of you can move on and be happier.