How to Have “The Talk” With Your Aging Parent

As your parents age, they naturally become less capable of caring for their basic needs. And while you can clearly see they need assistance, they aren’t always as quick to recognize this shift. The conversations you have with your parents will, to a large degree, determine the decisions they end up making.

5 Mistakes You Should Avoid

Think back to when you were a child and your parents had important conversations with you. While you didn’t know it at the time, they approached these situations with great care – to ensure they got their points across in effective ways. Today, the roles are reversed and you’re the one having catalytic conversations with your parents.

If you’ve never been on this side of the equation, you may not be aware of how to proceed. And while we don’t have all of the answers, we do have some advice on things you don’t want to say or do.

Here are some specific mistakes we’d encourage you to avoid:

• Not Having Important Conversations

The biggest mistake is not having those important conversations that need to happen. If you have an introverted personality where you’d prefer to just let things slide, you’re especially prone to avoiding these talks. There isn’t any magical advice to be given – you just have to suck it up and take action. Reject your passive tendencies and embrace the responsibilities that are in front of you.

• Staging Conversations

When people are scared to have these conversations with parents, they often go to the extreme of scripting out exactly how they want the conversation to go. From the opening statement to the wrap-up, words are memorized, questions are preconceived, and even facial expressions are practiced. But this is rarely – if ever – the right way to handle these talks. There’s nothing wrong with giving your words some thought ahead of time, but let the conversation flow naturally.  

“If done correctly, the conversation should wax and wane smoothly, giving both parties ample opportunity to talk about their concerns and possible solutions to any problems that are discussed,” InHomeCare.com explains.

The benefit of letting conversation flow is that you don’t get thrown off when your parent interjects a question you weren’t anticipating or says something that wasn’t on your “script.” You’re able to roll with the punches and adapt accordingly.

• Forcing Opinions

You obviously have an opinion on what your parents should do. For example, you might see the early signs of dementia and want to put your parent in an assisted living facility that has a memory care option for when it’s needed. Depending on your parent, demanding a specific plan like this could backfire.

Instead of forcing your opinions on your parent, you should make the options known and provide some commentary to hopefully influence the decision-making process. For example, your parent may already have found a trusted home care agency serving philadelphia, or similar agency near them, which may help to resolve some of the issues they’re facing. Even if they haven’t found a solution like this, they may have an opinion that influences the way forward. They may be of the opinion, for instance, that they won’t leave their home no matter what. In this case, the obvious option is to arrange home care for them.

• Not Asking Questions

If you’re the only one talking, you’re lecturing – not having a conversation. Make sure you ask your parent questions and then actually listen to how they respond. This is where you’ll learn the most. You can then use their words and ideas to direct the conversation where you want it to go.

• Not Giving Your Parent Time to Think

One of the most common mistakes people make when talking to a parent about senior living options is not giving them time to think. Don’t let this be you!

When you’ve finished having an important conversation, give it three or four days – maybe even a couple of weeks – and then come back to the topic. The more space you give your parent to process what you’ve discussed, the more opportunity they have to think clearly.

Love and Nurture Your Aging Parent

As the roles have reversed and you’ve stepped into a role of caregiver, you have to adjust your approach to the relationship you have with your parents. In addition to offering guidance, you should be quick to love and nurture.

Your adult parent doesn’t want you to feel sorry for them, but they do want you to show that you care. The goal is to show empathy, not sympathy. Attempt to understand their fears, frustrations, and wishes. The simple act of listening and relating is often enough to put an elderly individual’s mind at ease.

End-of-Life Planning Discussion

As terrifying at it sounds, end-of-life planning is something you can’t put off when faced with the realities of aging. It is important to have this conversation especially those diagnosed with dementia. Having the legal and financial papers placed in order will not only help with financial aspects of dealing with this disease, but also secures the future for the family. A lawyer can help arrange these for you, connect with Mile High Estate Planning to help you get started.”