Is it Worth it to be a Surrogate for a Friend?

Becoming a surrogate can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. Helping a childless couple become parents is a beautiful thing. However, the decision is not always easy, and there are risks inherent in any pregnancy.  Every would-be surrogate faces a complex situation — especially when the intended parent is a friend or family member.

Of course pregnancy itself is a tough job.  According to the Center for Disease Control, about 700 women die each year in the United States as a result of pregnancy or delivery complications. That’s a sad and frightening statistic. Every surrogate will have had her own successful pregnancy, and so is likely familiar with most of the risks. But there are additional concerns to being a surrogate that go beyond medicine and the pregnancy.

Beyond the physical toll, here are some crucial things to keep in mind when deciding if being a surrogate is a smart decision.

How Surrogacy Works

While there are a lot of variables depending on the individual situation, the surrogacy process is well-established.  But in general, embryos are conceived using the egg and sperm of the “intended parents”, the embryos are transferred to a surrogate’s uterus following some basic fertility treatments, and nine months later the baby is delivered and given to the genetic parents.  Of course each step has many intricacies, as the Sensible agency’s surrogacy guide shows in detail. The Family Inceptions Connecticut can help as well with questions. If you know a couple that have been through fertility treatments, you may be familiar with the process.  Stimulation protocols, egg retrievals, ICSI and frozen transfers can quickly become part of the daily vocabulary.  

Surrogacy requires taking hormones to aid the transition and carrying the baby to term. It also requires ongoing medical care, including invasive tests and assessments. Long story short, it’s a huge commitment. 

Legal Considerations

Many couples are under the impression that using a friend as a surrogate will help them circumvent the red tape associated with this journey. While they will save on the matching and compensation costs of finding a surrogate, even friends and family members must fit the legal standards. 

Legalities vary from state to state, but the basic qualifications include:

• Must have carried a previous pregnancy to term
• Over the age 18 and under 40
• Mentally competent
• Healthy BMI
• No underlying health issues or medication requirements
• Stable living environment

In addition to the legal screening that reputable surrogacy clinics will review, you will also require legal documentation outlining the agreement. The legal paperwork is even more vital when working with friends to protect all parties involved.

Considering the Costs

Medical screening, assessments, pregnancy, and delivery all come with a hefty price tag. While you may decide not to take compensation for your efforts, it’s integral that you understand the costs and ensure that they’re covered. 

Keep in mind that not all costs are monetary. You will be effectively donating your body for the next year (when considering preparation and recovery). Becoming a surrogate can impact your job, comfort level, energy levels, hormones, relationships, and freedom. While this is a rewarding experience, it is also a difficult one.

Emotional and Relationship Concerns

Even the best friendships may not be cut out for the surrogate relationship. Situations may arise where tough decisions have to be made. Boundaries can get crossed, and things can get weird. It’s often the layers of separation in traditional surrogate relationships that help keep things professional; that’s not the case in friendships.

Take a long hard look at your friendship and highlight any concerns. If you have a rocky friendship, surrogacy isn’t going to make it better.

If you’re in a relationship, you have to take your partner’s feelings on the matter into consideration as it will impact their life as well.

Personal Assessment

Take some time to consider the offer and evaluate your personal feelings. Many people feel pressured into saying yes out of fear that they will offend their friend. You’ll need to consider how you feel about the tough situations ahead. For example, your feelings about carrying a child that you won’t be responsible for after the birth but will still see because of your friendship.

Another consideration is the conflict between your bodily autonomy and your friend’s baby. You may be put in situations where medical decisions have to be made regarding your body, and you won’t be the sole decision-maker.

Should You Be a Surrogate for a Friend?

Deciding to be a surrogate for your friend is a personal decision. However, it’s one that merits a lot of time and consideration. If you decide to go this route, ensure that everything is written in a legally-binding contract and that clear communication is a priority.