3 Ways to Comfort a Grieving Mother

When a child dies, the sorrow and the pain and the anger are staggering. You’ll notice we haven’t–perhaps can’t–find a term strong enough to sum up this kind of loss.

If a spouse dies, we’re a widow or a widower. But what are we when we’ve lost a child? Perhaps it’s out of reverence for suffering parents that no one’s ever chosen a label. No word is sad enough, no word so terrible.

Yet, somehow, parents have to find a way to endure. To go on. But they will never move on, despite the subtle or not-so-subtle suggestions from well-meaning people who think it’s time they did. But a parent who has lost a child lives in a shattered world; they will never be the same. There’s no going back.

In the end, as we’re told in Nathalie Himmelrich’s book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple, “We do not get over a death. We learn to carry the grief and integrate the loss in our lives. In our hearts, we carry those who have died. We grieve and we love. We remember.”

But how do we help someone who’s going through such a transition? If someone close to you has suffered this kind of tragedy, of course you want to help. But it’s easy to become paralyzed into inaction. We’re so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that we do the worst thing: Nothing.

It’s important to show a grieving mother that she is not forgotten and abandoned during the worst time of her life. Gather your courage and let her know you care. No, you can’t fix this. No one can. But you can show love and compassion. You can make her feel a little less alone.

Gather Memories

If the child is old enough to have made an impression on those around them, ask people to share their favorite stories and memories with you. They can send you handwritten notes or you can transcribe them into a scrapbook for the grieving mother.

Add at least one nice photo and a quotation. Do NOT pick anything that implies the lost one is in a better place, that a tragedy is God’s will, or that this loss is in any way a good thing. Even if you really believe it, and thought they would agree with you, it’s unlikely this will bring them any comfort at this time. It will just hurt them or make them angry.

Some popular examples of quotations are:

Always loved, never forgotten.

“Those we love never truly leave us. There are things that death cannot touch.” – Jack Thorne

“Wherever a beautiful soul has been there is a trail of beautiful memories.” -R. Reagan

Let your loved one know what’s inside the book, and tell them it’s okay to put it aside until they want to open it. It’s also fine if they never do. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and we all go through the process differently.

Send a Thoughtful Gift

Once again, you can’t fix this problem or save anyone from this kind of pain. But you can send something to show you acknowledge their grief, you’re thinking about them, and that you care.

You’ll find gifts for grieving mothers at Laurelbox. This company has put together gift boxes for people who have lost loved ones, and have them sorted by the kinds of loss they’re experiencing. 

On their Bereaved Mothers page, they state, “Our specially curated grief gifts are made specifically to be given to bereaved mothers, and are a wonderful way to express your care for them at a time when finding the right words can be challenging. Finding the right gifts for parents who have lost a child can help them know that they have you for support, and can prove to be a source of strength as they navigate this time of loss.”

Connect

Send your loved one a note or drop off some cookies. You don’t want to force your way into the house when they’re not ready to face the world, but you do want to let them know you are available if they need a listening ear.

Tell them they can call you. And then listen.

Resist the urge to tell them they’ll be okay or that their child is happier in the next life. Just listen. Then tell your loved one how sorry you are and how much you love them,

Throughout the year, especially during milestone events like birthdays, text them or drop off a note to let them know you’re thinking of them. 

You’ll find it’s not always easy to comfort a grieving mother, but it’s one of the kindest, one of the best things you can do in your life. 

To truly support another person through their darkest hour calls on our better selves. It’s what makes us humane.