If there is one thing that most parents can agree on it’s that it’s not easy to deal with teenage behavior. Mostly, the reason it’s so hard to deal with teenage behavior is that we were raised to obey, so when our teenagers challenge our word, we instantly react. It’s a bitter pill to swallow to understand that as a parent you could be the problem.
It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad parent. Far from it. What it does mean is that you have to unlearn the behaviors of your own parents to make sure that you are treating your teenager with the respect they deserve. The hardline that respect is earned is true. You want your teenager to respect you? If you do, then you need to do things that are worthy of respect and that starts with treating your teenager as an equal and not as a child. You may be reading this thinking but they are acting like a child. Of course they are – they are teenagers. They are going to act out and they’re going to make mistakes because the frontal lobe of the brain has not been developed yet. You have to give them grace.
If you are dealing with teenage behavior such as regularly having to call out a glass replacement specialist for the windows they keep smashing, this is not normal teenage behavior and you need to look beyond behavior. Do you remember when they were a toddler? And the gentle parenting group tells you that you have to look for the behavior behind the behavior? This means that there is something fundamental missing and they are looking for attention, it’s your job as a parent to question what it is and why.
There are many common issues out there that teenagers deal with, but if you can step back and remember what it was like to have your hormones swirling around your body halfway between childhood and adulthood and not knowing which way is up, then you can appreciate just how difficult your teenager is finding life right now. Handling your teenagers is about more than punishment and discipline. It’s about understanding, acceptance, and negotiation. Let’s have a look at 7 common behavior problems and how you can help them.
- So-called unsavory behaviors. Teenagers are going to indulge in alcohol, drugs, and sex or before they reach legal ages. That doesn’t mean that you have to accept that your 13-year-old may have tried alcohol or smoked a cigarette, of course you don’t have to accept any of their behavior. But if you try to put down hard boundaries you’re going to find your teenager pushing against them – much like they did when they were three years old. If they’re going to experiment, this is not problematic behavior, this is normal behavior. What you must do is learn to love your teenager enough that they feel safe to open up to you as their parents. If you do this, you can discuss these issues openly so that there are no secrets and there are no punishments if something is discovered.
- Social media addiction. Social media is problematic for anybody under the age of 20. With the frontal lobe not yet developed enough to understand reason, teenagers often immediately internalize. If you are from the millennial era, you might remember being a teenager who didn’t have a camera phone. You wouldn’t have had Facebook in the palm of your hand – it would’ve been on your laptop. Schoolyard bullying hasn’t made it home yet, because it wasn’t a continuation of the school day because everybody had social media or Snapchat. Social media can be very addictive, but it’s problematic because of the influence on your teenager, not because your teenager is looking at it. Body issues and insecurities are so common and teenagers, social media can feed into that. Instead of having a hard Boundary of no social media, discuss it. Make the conversation open. Invite them to have social media as long as you are able to discuss it daily and talk through the potential issues and they promised to come to you if there is a problem. All you have to do is offer a listening out with no judgment and then you can work through issues together
- Mood swings. We will firstly point out that Mood Swings are not a problem, it’s hormonal. Your teenager cannot help how they feel nor can they help the way that they react to things because they’re not equipped with the tools to be able to react maturely. Sometimes they’re going to be ecstatically happy and sometimes they’re going to be cranky and fly off the handle. Anything and everything can change the mood of a teenager in an instant because they no longer know how to manage their own emotions. As a parent, you have to make sure that you are not reactive to those emotions. This is a very difficult thing to do. Instead of reacting negatively to their snappy behavior or rude behavior, take that moment to discuss and become and have an open conversation. It can’t make all the difference in your relationship together, and help your teenager to feel safe and seen.
- Dealing with aggression. Now, we talked earlier on about requiring the help of a glass replacement specialist because the windows have been smashed by your children. This is not normal behavior and this is quite extreme. Of course, anger is something that teenagers are going to need to work through, but aggression and physical violence needs intervention immediately. There could be issues that they haven’t managed to discuss with you just yet, or they haven’t felt like they could discuss it with anybody just yet. Parents will often react to an angry teenager by shouting back but all that’s going to do is chuck wood onto the fire. Your teenager will then feel pushed into a corner and become even more aggressive because you’re trying to dominate. The only way you can calm your angry teenager is to be calm. Controlling your own anger as an adult is going to help you to listen to what they have to say.
- Lying. Little white lies become apparent when children are around the age of seven, because their imaginations run away with them or because they try to be more impressive to others. It can be devastating for a parent to find out that the teenager has lied, but the truth is that the new sense of independence makes them feel like they are supposed to be more private. They may also worry about your reaction to them doing something so again, as a parent you need to look at the way you are reacting to their behavior. What you can do is early on you can sit with your teenager and discuss honesty. Talk about how you could react to their behavior if they are lying to you and talk about how if they tell you the truth – even if it paints them in a bad light – you will not judge and you will not shout. Instead you will come to a result together peacefully. If you talk this out early, your teenager understands expectations and if you react appropriately the way that you said you were going to they will trust you. The more they trust you, the less they will lie to you.
- Arguing back. As a parent, you expect to say something and have your wishes followed. You learned it from your parents who learn from their parents. The question you should ask is why do you feel the need to argue back to your child or shut them down when they argue back to you? Teenagers are rebellious by nature, but not just that they are also human beings. If they disagree with something, they need to feel safe enough to do so with you. As a parent, you are the one who is going to keep them guided and on the right track. Instead of trying to talk about defying rules and enforcing consequences, allow your teenager to query what you’re asking them and react calmly. That should never be ‘because I said so’. That’s just a powerplay. Instead you should be able to explain why you want something done and why you’ve asked for teenagers to do it. As a teenager gets older, it’s common for them to want more independence so they are going to argue back from time to time. Just make sure you can handle yourself.
- Changes in appearance. Teenagers go through so many confusing moments. Some teenagers struggle to identify themselves in their sexuality, religion, even their gender. While they’re going through these ups and downs and fluid moments, support them. If your teenager is exploring other genders, allow them the exploration. While they’re going through puberty, it’s important that you support and give advice rather than judge and criticize. Things such as adding hair dye and getting tattoos? That’s their body, which means it’s not your business.