The 4 Most Common Ways You Will Clash With Your Teen (and How to Solve Them)

While we love them more than anything, when our beautiful babies turn into teenagers, it’s almost like they’ve transformed their personalities overnight. Teenagers go through a myriad of changes, and as parents, it’s important for us to give them the space to process these in their own ways, but when we start to throw into the mix the fact that we’ve got to keep a household running and they are asserting themselves in ways that we cannot fathom, this is when conflicts arise. It could be an argument or it can be a long-term disagreement, but what are the most common instances where you would clash with your teenager and how can you overcome them?

Their Social Life

As our children become more independent, they start to assert themselves based on a number of influences, their friends, their individual needs, and the things they believe make them fit in. An independent teenager is going to explore new interests and this means that they start to make changes to their physical appearance or start to push against your authority. 

When they ask about having piercings or changing their wardrobe, you are going to either flat-out refuse because you still believe them to be much younger than they really are, or you give them free rein. The toughest thing is to get the balance right between the two. 

Conflicts are going to arise because you are telling them “no.” When you tell them “no,” this is either going to make them rebel even further or you are going to have conflicts in other ways that can spill over into other disagreements about potentially insignificant things and tension is going to ride high. 

When it comes to making these choices, the best thing you can do is to allow them space to assert themselves, but you also need to start thinking about what the right boundaries are for you and your teenager. They may be too young for piercings, but if they have a list of demands based on the clothes they would like, while they may not want you to go shopping with them, you’ve got to play the game of managing expectations here. Rather than telling them they cannot wear anything they’ve asked for, you can find ways to meet them in the middle. This is where a bit of play-acting could be very beneficial for you. If you are refusing them to wear something that you know at the back of your mind is absolutely fine, you eventually “caving in” and letting them wear it makes them feel like you’ve met them halfway.

Being Rebellious

It becomes part of the norm as a teenager (and even earlier). When your teenager was younger, it’s very likely they had tantrums, but we have to remember that children have tantrums because they’re trying to communicate themselves but don’t really know how to do it. It should be natural to expect some defiance as your child gains more independence. 

If they are giving you the silent treatment because you’ve said they cannot stay out later than normal they are going to feel like you are limiting every aspect of their life. It’s important to establish clear boundaries here because the issue many parents have when it comes to setting rules is they fail to follow through with the consequences. This is why it’s important to prepare for parenting a teenager before your child becomes a teenager. 

You can argue that you won’t be ready for it until they start kicking back against you, but as a parent, it’s vital to establish clear boundaries and set strict consequences if X, Y, and Z don’t happen. That’s not to say you should be completely stern and set overly harsh rules, but that’s why boundaries are so important. 

A boundary is something that is not there to completely hinder your teen, but it’s about making sure that they understand why the boundary is there in the first place. They need to understand that if they cross this boundary, for example, by staying out later than the time you’ve given them, they will be grounded or punished appropriately. It’s important when it comes to the consequences that the punishment fits the crime, as it were. But they also need to know that, while you are the parent, you should engage with them to let them explain their side of the story. 

This is why encouraging your child to speak about their feelings is more important than ever. Living in a household where you aren’t allowed to do something and you’re completely shut down when you attempt to kick back is something that most parents can identify with. This is why it’s more important than ever, as a modern parent, to explain why you are punishing them or why they cannot do something. 

A lot of the time your child may very well tell you “it’s so unfair” because someone else’s child is going to a party or staying out late, and this is where peer pressure becomes a very prominent part of your teenager’s life. When you ask them to provide real input, not just vague reasons as to why they should be allowed out a bit longer, you can both work on a compromise.

Mood Swings

It could be easy for us to dismiss a child as “moody” because we’ve asked them to tidy their room and they snap at us. It’s important for us to burrow beneath these incidents and recognize that they are going through a lot themselves. Puberty means massive changes in the body and mind, and when you add societal pressure, school pressure, and anything else they’ve got swimming around their heads, you could benefit from being a more sympathetic parent at this juncture. 

Many teenagers will tell you that you’re not being sympathetic enough, but it’s about pragmatism and ensuring that you understand where you would be more beneficial in helping them and where you would be better off stepping away. Giving your teenager the time and the space to work through how they feel will help them achieve a better balance. This begins with communication and giving your child the opportunity to talk about how they feel. 

It’s critical to allow them outlets for their emotions. They may not want to come to you and discuss how they feel, but this is where you can provide some form of reassurance to let them know that you are there if they want to speak to you. 

Nine times out of ten they may want to avoid you completely because you “couldn’t possibly understand” how they feel! But this is something every teenager will say. It’s very likely you said and did the same things, and this is where remembering back to your teenage years can potentially help you adjust to the situation. 

It is important to give them an outlet for how they feel. It may not be necessary to take them to a counselor or anything like that but it’s important to observe their emotions and how they process them. Some children can be angry and lash out, but others internalize their feelings too much and both are incredibly dangerous if they are left alone.

Your Attitudes

Finally, clashes with your teenager can stem from your perspective of the situation. It’s more common for both parents to be working now than ever. The way it used to be 20 or 30 years ago was that one parent went to work, meaning that the other parent was at home more. These days the load is spread very thin and this can mean that parents don’t physically have the time to discuss a lot of these issues with their teenager because they’ve got so many other things to do. This can mean that, as parents. we easily fall back on very myopic attitudes. 

It’s far easier to say “no” to doing something because it saves time agonizing over a debate. And this is where we have got to look long and hard at our attitudes. We were in their shoes and we’ve made changes, and we certainly can operate with a more authoritarian attitude because we have a lot of other things to deal with that are more important, but it is essential to remember that what they are going through is important. 

We can certainly feel like we don’t have time to sit down and discuss something for hours on end, but if we decide that we don’t have time, this is the start of a very slippery slope that can result in our teenagers rebelling not respecting our opinions, but it also means we will have greater conflict, and over time, our children will not want to actually spend time with us. We have to allow a teenager the time and the luxury to process how they feel in the hope that they will come back to us, but we do this by providing a home environment that is nurturing. If you do not provide a nurturing environment for them, they’re going to find one that nurtures them elsewhere. This is why understanding some of the common issues where you may clash is pivotal, but it’s not all to do with how they are feeling.