Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom but I just don’t get her. It took her two days to call me for my birthday and when she did call it wasn’t even to say Happy Birthday. You see the other day (Tuesday actually) was my birthday and she didn’t call. Her reasoning…we had celebrated my birthday on Sunday. She said she had us over for dinner and cake. Well actually I invited myself over so my kids could swim, I did not expect cake or a present. Anyways though that was Sunday, my birthday was Tuesday.
Now I talk to my mom on the phone almost everyday but on my birthday…radio silence. Did she forget my special day? Was she too busy? She had a million excuses. She said why do I have to make a big deal out of my birthday, she never really even had a birthday party as a child. Why do I want the attention? Why does it matter to me if she calls and says “Happy Birthday” and I say “Thanks.” She said she is not one who cares about attention. She said we already celebrated my birthday. She said she thought I was busy. (I actually had no plans.) She said its just a day and she doesn’t care about her own birthday.
She doesn’t get it. Shouldn’t a mom cherish her child’s birthday? I am one of five and one day a year, shouldn’t it be all about me for her? Well actually I don’t even get that as my brother was born on my birthday but I am fine with that. All I wanted was a phone call. We talk most other days, but on the one day of the year I really expected a phone call from my mom, I didn’t get it. She said she gave me a cake and present and now I expected a phone call? I didn’t want the cake or present, I wanted her to fucking call me on my birthday! Why is that so much to ask? Why do I even have to ask?
As I sit her, tears are rolling down my cheeks and I don’t even know why I am so upset over this. How could a mother not call her child on their birthday? I guess though that is a lesson I learned from her, always cherish my kid’s birthdays and call them. She said she doesn’t get “my” generation with how we want this and we want that. Birthday weekend, Birthday month, soon Birthday year she said. A phone call, I told her I was upset because she didn’t call on my birthday and rather than apologize or make up a good excuse (is there even a good one?) she rambled off about me wanting attention, being greedy (didn’t we just celebrate my birthday, who cares if it was a few days early) and everything else. No sorry, no Happy Birthday, no How was your day?
I’m sorry I’m rambling as I normally don’t get too personal on my blog. Yeah go figure I started a blog to write my personal thoughts and I hardly ever do that. Well this bothered me and I needed to vent. Like I said don’t get me wrong I love my mom and I am grateful for her and the help I get with my kids but deep down don’t we all just want our moms to be our moms. As a mom and wife I am stretched so far that shouldn’t my own mom be the own there for me the most, I mean she is the one who should know me the best.
Ccrose says
I am so sad to read of all of the suffering people who are not cared for by family — who are supposed to care for us. I too have the same issue. You may find it is true for some friends too.
In case it helps — a few things I have learned:
* narcissism (selfishness, lack of empathy) is the likely cause of this
* it runs in families
* there is usually a scapegoat — and this os usually the most capable, caring family member. So hats off to you!
* this dynamic can lead to relationship trauma and a need for being seen and appreciated that carries well into adulthood.
* the scapegoat is usually the over functioner of the family — they become the “parent” of sorts — relied on to solve problems, etc. it’s almost like they don’t see you as a child and therefore your needs are not even considered. They just think you are so strong you don’t need support.
* over performers / codependents have difficulty stating their needs because it is like they shouldn’t even have them.
* codependents usually choose narcissists for friends and partners. It feels familiar to them. Warning sign — when you feel that electricity or sexual click. That is the hook. Resist it!
* codependents usually have their own narcissism, but the way to distinguish is whether you feel empathy for, and lean in to repair things with people who say you hurt them. If you do not, chances are you are a narcissist / codependent!
* codependents eventually get angry at the lack of care they receive compared to the boatloads they have given and are promptly shamed / rejected for their anger. The unwritten / unspoken rule in these families is that you should never point the finger or get angry at anyone for their hurtful behavior (secrets, lies, lack of accountability, golden child). You’ve then offended their ego to the point they will shun you (hence no cards or calls) or even just dump you entirely.
* in my family the two fathers were relatively weak compared to the strong capable women in the family, though the women were emotionally / financially dependent and had a touch of narcissism themselves. They both depended on and were dismissive of or resented the strength.
* in my case as the oldest, overfunctioning daughter, the fathers actually see me as a competitor, though I never criticized them or bragged on success. They can’t even stand to acknowledge that I graduated from college, with a Master’s degree. Parents are suppose to find joy in their childrens’ success, right? Not if they are ashamed of themselves. You just being there makes them feel shame in comparison. Sad, isn’t it? :-(. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT though somehow you have learned to accept the shame that it is your fault for not fitting in.
You must know that the root cause of the narcissistic defense (cutting off all feeling of negative emotion, including one’s own and others’) is shame. Toxic shame. We all have occasion to be ashamed based on this or that behavior, but we face up and repair the situation.
Toxic shame is just deep deep shame about themselves as a human being. This comes from some type of abuse, whether verbal, physical, emotional enmeshment, over praising (and therefore not seeing the child as they really are). All of this happens by narcissistic parents. And the cycle is repeated.
The way to healing?
* Check your moves and attempt to make any repairs/apologies necessary. To everyone in your life for hurts now and in the past (similar to 12-step).
* know your emotional needs and grieve your hurts and losses. This can take years, I’d not decades. Keep up the work! You are casting off intergenerational trauma and creating a kinder world!
* learn how to communicate your needs kindly and skillfully, gracious boundaries that hurt no one but protect you. This takes a lot of healing first, and then practice. Highly recommend the book Nonviolent Communication for this. Some of them will not be available.
* learn what your values around relationship are and your life intentions too.
* THIS IS ESSENTIAL — don’t stop searching until you find your new tribe who shares your values, intentions in life, and emotional caring and kindness. This can be the hardest thing to do.
* meanwhile heal yourself by grieving what you never had that you deserve.
* find peace and purpose by doing good and feeling good as many moments you can.
* you will learn to recognize people using narc defenses very quickly and develop strategies for keeping light friendships but not investing in them in any serious way, including not being as open and transparent as you once were.
* HINT: Ns tend to ask a lot of questions about you but rarely share their honest emotions. When you ask they get dismissive or clam up or find a way to leave the conversation very quickly. They are uncomfortable with revealing their vulnerability (anger and haughtiness yes, but not sadness or any “weak” negative emotion).
They often lie or keep small secrets.
* Then when they don’t deliver it doesn’t hurt you because you haven’t given too much.
Find people who WANT TO and who NATURALLY give you what you need.
This is what healthy love / family / partnership feels like. If it doesn’t feel right, better off becoming who you want to meet. Work on yourself!
I know this was long but I hope it helps someone. Been there, still there but out of the darkness, and moving ahead!
Xoxo
Anonymous says
Every year for as long as Ive been alive my mom called at the “exact time” (without fail) that I was born even if she had to do it by voicemail because I missed the call. She would sing Happy Birthday, tell me the story of my birth and talk about my plans for the day. Also, she always sends a card and writes a personlized message although some years its been late but she hates late cards. This has happened despite the fact that I’m now middle aged and we have lived far apart with me in another state for most of that time. Last year, she was angry with me so I did not receive a call at my birth time. The call was 2 hrs later and her and stepdad sang but she sang with a much lower voice and her tone was angry-it was obvious that she didnt want to do it. So, I confronted her and asked why she didnt call at the usual time and she said because she was at the post office mailing my gift box. I said okay but I didn’t get a card either. Asked why-she said- you just didnt and I’m not even supposed to be up sending your gift box cause I’m recovering from a procedure. So we had an uncomfortable chat for awhile and ended call. Come to find out she actually had major surgery and NEVER told me!!
Well today is my birthday (2021) and because I didnt make it home to visit last year for holidays and won’t again this year ( after pretty much promising I would) she is angry again so didnt call today at all. She sent a text 2 mins after my birth time wishing me a Happy Bday after telling me months ago she hated texted cause their impersonal. She also sent a very generic bland card with nothing written on the inside. Normally she would run out of room writing. Then she dropped a small amount of cash in a blank envelope with nothing written on it. Which I will return to her at Christmas. After waiting all day, I think my stepdad was over come with guilt and begged her to let him call. He called at 5pm and sang to me and wished me Happy Bday. So I started asking him why didn’t they call earlier. His response-we went to church. Their church starts hours after my birth time and in the past, they would just call before they went to church. Every question I asked about why I had not heard from them, mainly the woman who gave birth to me, he had excuse after excuse and it was obvious he felt horrible because she had no good reason. Then she told him to tell me-she would “talk to me” after my birthday making it about her instead of me. Then right when I told him I had to go, she said-she wanted to speak to me. I told him no and that I had to go. Her doing that was so that I could not tell anyone she didn’t call. Well she didnt-he did. She was trying to save face to be able to say-I called and you were not available. I told him that I had waited all day and that they normally call in the morning so I had evening plans. I ended the call angry and heartbroken that she would not put her anger aside for 1 day. The worst part of this is I’ve never ever had a birthday party either. I saw others on here with that experience too and thought I was the only one. What a horrible way to treat your child even adult child. It was selfish, reprehensible and inexcusable to say the very least. I was angry when she had surgery and didnt tell me and her birthday was a few months after that. Got her nice Mothers Day and birthday gifts & cards. I don’t care about gifts. I know she doesn’t have the means. But its the no call and terrible card that I’ll never forget. She didn’t want to have to put her pride aside and actually speak to me or sing or wish me a Happy Birthday so she chose to hide behind a text. The worse part is that in 2 weeks for Christmas she expects a gift and me to act like nothing happened and she did nothing wrong. Seriously?????
Angie says
My mother just texted me to this morning to wish me a happy Birthday. I guess that’s supposed to be enough effort.
Talk about feeling perplexed. I’m really not sure what to think right now and I was hoping she would have called but my Birthday never truly mattered to her. If anything my Birthday every year was just another day and my parents both of them never cared. I doubt I will even get a call or text from my dad for my Birthday.
K. says
Yesterday was my birthday. The person who has the nerve to call himself my father has only reached out on my birthday for years. Usually with a text that goes ‘Happy birthday! [insert lots of accusations and guilt tripping]’. Two years ago the only text I got from him was ‘hb’. Just that, two letters, not even an exclamation mark. The only contact I had with him all year, yet he proceeds to call himself my father. So last year I didn’t even reply. And this year, as expected, I got nothing. I didn’t expect anything, as per usual, but it still stings and it still saddens me. Apparently I’m that easy to give up. Parents are the people who are supposed to be the proudest of you, the ones who are supposed to have your back and tell you all will be okay, no matter what. It sucks that we were given those who make their children feel worthless instead.
Jancee says
I know how you feel. When I turned 37 I had no plans that day. My kids were in school and I was off work for a time. It was my birthday and I drove over to see my mom. (The person I love).
She welcomed me inside, no mention of my birthday. She had been widowed for 11 years and tho she had never driven in her life, she had a bike and the stores were within walking distance. Her older brother lived in the apartments next to hers. She took me over to see him. He was grouchy and in ill health. Mom told me to “help” him with something. I should have declined. He yelled at me and I began to cry. I went back with mom to her apartment. I should have left right then but her phone rang. It was my sister calling mom and looking for me! When she told mom she wanted to wish me a happy birthday, Mom exclaimed, “OH, ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!” And she handed me the phone. I talked to my sister and then eventually said goodbye. My mom never said “sorry” for forgetting my birthday. I never received a card either. If I hadn’t gone over there that day, I don’t think she would’ve thought of my birthday that rest of the year!
She never forgot it’s again!
Candice says
my mom didn’t call me or my daughter on our birthdays this year. first time ever that she’s missed a birthday call. but anytime i hadn’t called my mom on her birthday my dad would text me angry about it even if the day wasn’t even over yet. she always made big deals about birthdays too so it is very odd behaviour for her. i actually find it very hurtful. i’m uncertain if i will call her on her birthday next month just to see what happens. do i stoop to her level? we don’t really get along, it’s more of a civilized pretending to be close relationship. she was not nice growing up and honestly hasn’t been all that nice in my adult years either. i think she’s narcisstic.
Sara says
How about when your family (including aunts, uncles, and cousins) calls, texts, sends flowers, and takes your sister out on her birthday but is radio silent for yours? The kicker? Your sister is your twin. At least you had someone acknowledge yours. Better late than never.🤷🏻♀️
Bridget says
My NM mother “honors” my birthdays year after year to remind me that my birth was the start of her horrible life in the USA. She was an only child who made her parents’ lives a living hell and dumped me on them when I was an infant (thank God) until I was about six years old. She tore me away from them to bring me to another country for the sole reason that she didn’t want to share the inheritance with me if they adopted me. I tried and tried but when she made my sweet daughter’s life miserable every time she visited and even after my daughter’s death, I decided that hag should die alone with her problems. She had the nerve to call me on the anniversary of my child’s death to talk about her petty life and then say I was a “burden on family” for saying I was sad that day. I have grown to despise that old bat.
Cory says
My mom didn’t call me either 11/4 for mine. Did a fb post. When I confronted her a few days later saying I was surprised she said she thought she’d hear from me. Guess I was supposed to call her on my Bday. Even tho that rule doesn’t apply when it’s her bday.. she doesn’t call me on hers ( I wouldn’t expect her to). I have a twin.. my mom actually sent me a screenshot of my twin calling her on our bday and said “she called me”. My mom called 4 days after my bday, and left a messages saying sorry she thought she’d hear from me.4 days after my bday. A day after I texted her . So I didn’t think her call needed a reply, can’t keep hashing it out. I reached out to her yesterday on another topic and she was extremely cold! So.. because I’m hurt she didn’t call on my birthday I’m now the “bad guy” viscous cycle
Trish says
So sorry Cory! Best thing we can do is learn to love ourselves which is hard when we come from toxic parents. Happy Birthday from on Scorpio to another!
Trish says
Yes me too! My birthday was last week. My Mom posted a cheesy post on facebook with a comment “happy birthday to my daughter”. She gave a card to my nephew to deliver. NO PHONE CALL. How cold but after many years I’m starting to see her as she truly is. I just joined a support group. My Mom’s love well is dried up and always has been do to alcoholism. My solution- find healthier love elsewhere. I promise you it’s out there. Here’s a big virtual hug to you all who don’t get it from your Mother!
Depressed on Special Days says
I totally understand, my husband never buys me anything for my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, mother’s day…. NOTHING! All I get is a text.
I have four adult children, which they never even text me on my birthday (and my youngest son is the same day as mine) they never say Happy Mother’s Day, nothing….
But on Christmas & their birthdays they expect gifts, etc…..
Just recently I bought my son a card and gift card for his birthday, not even a thank you.
It’s really depressing….. So now I just buy myself gifts on the days that are meant to be special to me.
Tom says
My birthday was 2 days ago. My dad, who is in his early 70’s, didn’t call me to wish me a happy birthday. My mom died in 2002. Dad remarried in 2004. His new wife has 4 adult children. It’s like my dad has this brand new family and has totally forgotten about my sister and me.
Each year, I get him a card and/or a gift for his birthday. On Father’s Day, my sister and I go all out–taking him (and his new wife) out to eat at a nice restaurant. We also get him a gift. At Christmas, we do the same thing: cards, nice gifts for my dad and his wife. We get precious little. At Christmas, he does give us a gift. But usually, it’s something that he’s pulled out of one of his drawers–a pocket knife or something that I believe is sentimental to him–something he wants to pass on to us.
Each year at Christmas, I spend hundreds of dollars on him and his wife. I even call ahead (before going to his house, which is about 75 miles from me) to see if any of his wife’s family will be there. If they’re there, I make sure that everyone gets a gift–a thoughtful gift–something that I think they would really enjoy. But when I get to my dad’s house, I carry in load after load of gifts and I end up with a pocket knife that he’s taken out of his chest of drawers.
One of the issues, I believe, is that dad doesn’t like the fact that I’m gay. He never has. In fact, years and years ago, when he and my mom found out that I’m gay, they made plans to murder me–a kind of “honor killing”.
And now that my dad has a “new family”, all of his step-children are straight. I think he’s tickled to death to finally have a couple of straight sons, even though one of them is very much into drugs and has literally stolen from him. They’ll get mad at him for doing something awful–something I’d never do–something I’ve never done. But it all blows over in a few days and he’s back in their good graces.
Today, I plan on calling my dad and giving him a piece of my mind! He has access to a calendar. He knows when my birthday rolls around. His wife certainly knows when my birthday is. He could spend 5 minutes and at least call me.
Mary says
Today was my 60th birthday and I haven’t felt this sad or depressed in a very long time. I’m just glad that I won’t have to feel this pain for another 364 days. My parents are divorced and I didn’t get a gift, a card, or even a simple phone call from either of them. When my husband died a few years ago, my birthday was a month later and the first significant day without him and it hit me really hard at the time and ever since then it always hurts without him on my day, but the years have made it easier. I always go out of my way to send nice gifts for my parents and always call them on their birthdays. I don’t know why neither chose to acknowledge my birthday this year, but I cried most of the day and have been so miserable because of it. I’m just glad its almost over. I’m kinda mad too. Recently I used up my vaca time and spent quite a lot of money on plane tickets and car rentals to travel to visit them in two seperate states on both coasts. I was planning on doing it again when my vaca time accrues again in a couple of months, but now I’m thinking I’ll just buy a ticket for myself and go wherever I choose that makes me happy. They don’t seem to care too much about me so guess I’ll just have to care for and love myself!
Cys says
I have six adult kids…only one remembered it was my birthday (60th)…2 of the rest saw the post their sibling made and sent me greetings after that nudge… It hurts. I never thought of myself as a terrible mother but I am now re-evaluating….. If this was a one-time occurrence, I might just shrug it off but it’s been this way for a long time. It just hurts….
Somewhere out there says
Glad to see I’m not the only one. But my daughter & my grandkid are the ONLY family I have left. I’m not well & that doesn’t seem to bother her. I have no one to talk about family memories. Some e mentioned that their k8d was like the pther parent. Yeah my daughter is like her dad. He’s raising OUR grandson. I had custody of him first. I have custody back to my daughter.
How funny it is that I have to wait for my daughter to let me see my only grandkid. Now she has a new boyfriend & he is controlling & my daughter has deleted almost every friend on FB, becsuse her 5BF is jealous . Hes 45 she is 31. I seroudly think thar this is the l8d of relationship that has potential to turn very bad.. I can’t say crap. But in the 6 montjhs they have been together, I have seen her one time. I seriously ask myself why I even care anymore.. & maybe I won’t soon. I’m not perfect but far from a bad Mom. I hate this generation of the “ME” & more if “Me”.
Linda brown says
Hi yes it’s Annoying funny enough on same day the 28th May my mother not ring text yes that’s all I do get these days wish that text never existed when she did text said was home all day landline phone call all so would of be free to each other if I say anything she just throws it back but it was my day one has to get used to it all though I am now
ralf says
Your moms a narcissist like mine and you’re screwed. Bulk up no so It doesn’t consume you
Nadina Myler says
In my experience it’s usually narcissistic types who refuse to acknowledge birthdays. They don’t want to give you any sense of importance or recognition as a person. By acknowledging your birthday that would be implying that you are worthy of being estimeemed and treated well. However, they also know that they should protect their carefully curated image of ‘sweet/nice person’ so they will acknowledge it in a shabby manner such as a crappy text message or an empty, meaningless card sent through the post. That way they can’t be accused of not acknowledging the day.The behavior never changes because they know it hurts you and get a little kick out of making you feel shit on what should be your special day.
KG says
I read all these comments and I am deeply touched my them, However, my situation is different. I am 61, disabled and divorced from my kids father. I get a text message from my 2 daughter’s saying happy birthday or happy mother’s day. From my oldest daughter the text says “I got you a card but you have to come get it or you can get it next time you’re over.” Really? I’m not worth a stamp? She mails her MIL but she lives a little further away. I love 10 miles away. Mil lives 30 miles away. I’m always there for birthday celebrations for her kids and the holidays I do most of the cooking. I even buy groceries to feed 7 extra people on thanksgiving and Christmas. I mail the kids bday and holiday cards. I think kids love getting mail. This is how I was treated my their dad as well. For Christmas I’d get a card with a note that said “I owe you”. Really hurts sometimes. Kids should treat parents better we won’t be around forever.
Geo says
I’m the oldest of 4. My birthday was 2 days ago, I turned 52. My mother did not acknowledge my birthday, and hasn’t for years. No card, no call, no email, not even a short text. Last year, my birthday, she emailed my sister about why I don’t deserve her attention. She’s always favored my younger sibs. No matter how hard I tried to please her, how responsible, how good, how helpful, she always made sure to let me know I didn’t matter. Still don’t know why she despises me. What is so difficult for me to understand is I can’t imagine not letting my adult daughters know how blessed I was on the day they were born. I, too, felt alone until finding this article. Thank you to all who have shared; I understand exactly how you feel.
Kelly says
I’m the oldest of 8. I am 50 now. Never did get recognition on my special day until this year then it was posted on fb did I get that, no… it does cause us pain and it seems to hurt the deepest parts of our souls so sad. I’m sorry that your mother did and does this to you as well, I always felt I was alone in this. Thank you for sharing and letting me know that I’m not alone! God Bless.
fancyfingers says
Same here, only I am oldest of six, and find out she does call some of my siblings on their birthday!
I cannot tell you how it hurts to feel less than included as a family member. Right now I am struggling with do I send her a Christmas card, after just not receiving a BD card or call? We have not lived near each other for close to 30 years, and I can count on one hand how many times she has called me. I have spent so much time crying when she cuts me off when I call, like she just doesn’t have time for me. If someone else is there, forget talking to her, she is close to rude, like you should know she has company. I am hurt and confused, and thankfully I have vowed not to treat my children the way she treats me. I realize she is getting up there in age, and I don’t want to regret anything I do. I just wish she would realize what happens when she acts this way toward me.
Mar says
It’s the other way around. Today is my 61st birthday. Only 1 out of 5 kids wished me happy birthday. Guess I’m a pathetic mom. I always go out of my way for my kids birthday, even now still that they re older. Guess I mean nothing. I miss my husband, he passed 4 years from cancer and he spoiled me on my special day. I’m going to take myself out to dinner later
Debbie says
Don’t feel alone! There are lots of us out here just like you and it sucks!
sg says
It’s a horrible feeling not to get a call from a parent on your birthday and even worse when both do not call. Its a day past my birthday and still no call or text. Parents should always remember their child’s birthday because they brought them into this world. I used to think it was bad not getting a happy birthday from a significant other, but not getting it from a parent is the worst feeling. I haven’t called or text to find out if they knew it was my birthday or not. I feel it would be un-humble. so I am trying to stay humble and bite my tongue, let it go and forgive them.
Barbara says
I know how you feel…today is my birthday and my mom never called. I go visit her every other weekend. I take her shopping, bring her food. On her birthday I bring her a nice gift and take her out to dinner. I often take her out and buy her lunch. She sent me a card, but no call. Can’t imagine a day when one of my children celebrates a birthday that I wouldn’t be on the phone first thing when I wake up. Guess I rubbed off on them because my daughter called me at 6:30 am and my son texted to say that he was in class all day but would call me as soon as he could (which he did). I am trying to ignore the pain of my narcissistic mother and focus on the joy of the beautiful souls that I raised
Anonymous says
I guess I am not alone. Today is my birthday. I called my dad because I had a missed call from him last night. He wished me happy birthday (and proceeded to asking me for a favor), but mom didn’t even bother to get on the phone to wish me a happy birthday and she was right next to him. Because something happened over the weekend that made me annoyed, I guess mom got annoyed in return and was holding on to her anger that she didn’t bother to get on the phone. Oh well.
Sherry says
I totally understand when I turned 40 not one phone call from either parent there married live together have 4 children I’m the youngest and only girl I had to call them and ask them if they remember what day it is this what at 6pm talk about frustrating
Michele says
I know your pain all too well. You see, I just celebrated my 44th birthday on Thursday…and for the 1st time ever, my mom & dad didn’t call. I knew they were planning a trip with their friends to Las Vegas and were leaving on my birthday. Then the day before my birthday they decided to leave on that day. Well, I expected a phone call because 1) they’ve always called and 2) I’m a mom with an adult child that lives far away from me however I would never miss a call to wish her happy birthday. So not only did they not call, they called the next day, brushed off the fact the missed my birthday and proceeded to ask how their cat was doing as I’m going to their house everyday (including my birthday) to take care of their cat. Yes, they left a birthday card with cash for me on their countertop. I’m greatful for the generous gift but truly hurt that they couldn’t take a few minutes away from gambling to call. I would never do that to them! With that said, I understand your tears and heartache over this.
Angel says
I’m sorry you’re hurting. Unfortunately you’re not alone. My birthday was Friday and here it is Monday night, and no call, text, card, nothing. She did the same thing last year. I addressed it with her and told her even though she isn’t into birthdays, I am, and it hurts when she doesn’t call. Well you’d think she’d make a mental note, but I guess she didn’t, so I’m butt hurt too. I don’t care how old I am, I want to hear from her. Period. I don’t think it’s malicious, I just think birthdays are insignificant, mine included. My mind tells me not to take it personal but my heart does .
James says
My mom never calls but on the most important day my birthday she never calls. It breaks my hart so much not to get her call
Janeth says
This year was the saddest birthday I ever had My mother dint call me. I know she works & all but just a call from her would of made my birthday so much special?. Happy Birthday to you all that once your mother or family forgot to call you on your special day??
KG says
I thought maybe I was the only one who has experienced this. Two weeks ago I called my mom and was brainstorming ideas on how we could celebrate her birthday in October. My birthday was 6 days ago and she couldn’t even bother to call. I got a card in the mail. I actually spoke my truth to her tonight when she finally called and said “I can’t imagine a mother not wanting to wish her child a happy birthday.” I am so tired of putting myself out there for her and getting slammed. No matter what your age (I turned 56), it hurts.
Cindy Marushak says
Agreed – it does hurt. I am 53 today and no call….there is a sadness in my heart I don’t want to feel….I live nearly 1000 miles away and a phone call would be nice…i don’t think my expectations are too high and also recognize her parenting skills are not where I’d like them to be….it’s funny that as an adult these things still make a difference….but they do and they will. I have to remember this when my world gets crazy – you get from the world what you give to the world….
La says
The sooner you can get to therapy to talk about this the better. Everyone. That’s all I can say. If the thought of your family make you sad or cry go see someone that can help you feel better. Sadly I am 50 and I am just now working on it but I regret the years of sadness and loneliness I felt at how distant my family is/was and how little they care or is it that they have no idea how to express or handle emotions. I don’t know and I will never know but I could have gotten help earlier with dealing with it. Here’s to your happiness!
Tim says
My mother is a narcissist. She sent a birthday card, but to actually say something good to me or wish me love “out loud” would be asking her to lower her standards. She transferred that craziness to my siblings.
Lori says
Same here. 9 pm no birthday wishes from my mom either and there won’t be any. Never even calls to see how I am. I don’t understand. I would never do that to my children, then again, that’s how its always been. The only time I here from anyone is if I call or visit. Even at my age it still hurts. Happy birthday y’all.
Chris Enfinger says
I know how youre feeling, and I am sorry. It’s almost 5 pm and I haven’t had a call from my mother or anyone on my family. I’m 36 today, but my feelings are hurt like I am a 5 year old child. Not. One. Member of my family has called or even text me……
Frieda says
I agree. A phone call would be nice. Even a text message.
I have not had a birthday party since I was 10 years old. I am in my 50’s. I don’t need a cake, party or present. A simple “happy birthday” will do. I am not great about getting out cards on time, (barely getting my bills out on time!) but it is not so difficult to pick up the phone and call to say “happy birthday”.
Also, my Mom expects the world to stop when it is her birthday. She is in her 80’s. And Mother’s Day too. Gifts, parties, and etc. anything less is considered “uncaring”. How about all the rest of the days of the year when I show care and concern. That’s not quite enough I guess.
For me, I would really love it if the other 364 days of the year they let me know how much they love me, how they are concerned about me, get together, etc. And a birthday phone call is fine for me.
I had an interesting conversation with my mother today. She said the birthday is a day to “salute” the person. Really? I have one sibling who barely knows I exist. He throws himself huge birthday parties. And is hurt if I don’t come. Honestly he has not always been very kind to me on many other social occasions and family gatherings, but I am supposed to fawn all over him on his birthday. It’s simply ridiculous. Like I said, there are 364 other days of the year to show me how great I/you am/are.
A phone call on a birthday is a nice thing.
I think people need to realize that not everyone has the economic means to continually throw parties for all their relatives. Personally, I live alone. It is all I can do to keep a roof over my head, nevermind keep a giant social calendar for birthdays and the like.
But a phone call? That I can manage.
Happy Birthday:)
Evelyn says
I get what you mean. My birthday is in a few days and every time it comes around, when I talk about what I want to do my mom rolls her eyes, or changes the subject, or she’ll just make noise to go over me talking. Then the day before and day after she’s happy as can be and the day of she’s a bitch. We live in the same house and she does not say happy birthday. She makes a big deal of her and her husband’s birthdays though. My aunt is the same way she’ll act funny too. Point is that is really crappy and I feel bad for you hopefully she tells you this year.
Sheila K. says
I’m so sorry you were hurt in this way on your birthday, of all days. No matter how old we get we want to be cherished by our parents, and I’m sure you are doing a magnificent job of showing your own children how much you cherish them.
Sue Hull says
I completely understand how you feel. My dad never calls me on my b-day,mother’s day or Christmas. It’s very hurtful. My mom always calls and we always do something on my b-day even if we celebrated it already before my actual b-day. My dad just doesn’t get it and he never has. I talk to my dad when he comes for b-day parties and before Christmas,so that’s about 10 times a yr. I love my dad just like you love your mom but they didn’t make a big deal out of our b-days b/c they didn’t do it as kids. We deserve to be called on our b-day. I’m sorry she didn’t call, it hurts a lot I know. I wish you very happy & blessed belated b-day. I look forward to coming to your blog daily and I feel blessed to have found your blog and you’re a very sweet person. Have a great day 🙂
Cher says
Thanks so much Sue! It’s funny because my dad called, and he’s my stepdad who was there Sunday when we celebrated but he still called. I appreciate your kind words and glad I am not alone in my thoughts.
Erika E says
I can understand why you would feel bad. You should be special to your mom on your birthday no matter how old you are.
Cher says
Thanks Erika! I am glad I am not alone in my thoughts of that.
Jane (EJ) says
You are not rambling, I have been there many times. I do make a big deal for my children. I celebrate everything we can, it doesn’t take the pain away, but I know my children enjoy every moment.
Happy Belated Birthday!
Cher says
Thanks so much!
Peggy says
It is hard to believe that any Mother would think like that… but I know some who do. But not me… birthdays have always been big and now as my boys are grown with families of their own…. they make birthdays BIG in their family. On their special day, I am on the phone as soon as I think they are up. I don’t like a big to do for my birthday but I do expect a call and my boys don’t let me down…. they know that is all I want and they call every year just as I want.
So what to do about your mother… I don’t know that anything will change with her. Just make the tradition in your family something that you want your children to remember and carry on. We always say “It is your birthday, everybody has to be nice to you and you get to request the dinner meal of the night”…. even if it was mint chocolate chip ice cream one year. It was his birthday after all.
Happy belated birthday…. it slipped by me this year but I will remember next year.
Cher says
Thanks Peggy! My kids are still but we are working on traditions. I love the idea of the kids picking dinner! Thanks for your ideas!
Karen R says
Happy Birthday Cher! I understand how you feel. You can’t change people just accept them warts and all.
Cher says
Thanks Karen!
Tiffany Schmidt says
Had the same thing happen this year. So I never called to say anything. Days later she casually mentioned that she missed it bc she was busy. Ouch. Not even a thought on that day. This just shows us, to make each birthday special for our children, regardless of how old they get or if birthdays stop being important. Their birth is just as important to me as it is them, it changed my life drastically each time!
Cher says
Thanks Tiffany! Yes very good lesson to me to do the opposite of my mom…